Someone Take The Wheel
  Martha's Free!

A Federal judge has dismissed the securities fraud charge against Martha Stewart. Thank goodness they now have the time and resources to pursue Ken Lay. 
  Diana Wouldn't Like That

Bush has lifted a mine ban. Does this make sense to anybody at all? 
  Yeah This Is A REAL High Priority

Thanks for keeping your eye on the ball Mr. Resident. What a maroon.

WASHINGTON (AP) - President Bush gave the federal government new powers to keep American boats out of Cuba, a step meant to deny the island nation the foreign currency it desperately needs and one certain to worsen relations with Havana.

Bush listed a long list of grievances with Cuba, some of them decades old, in explaining his Thursday evening move.
  Oh Puleeeze

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Mel Gibson said Thursday that his film "The Passion of the Christ" was unfairly prejudged for a year before its release - but he forgives his critics.

Gibson told Jay Leno on NBC's "The Tonight Show" that he would try to adopt a loving attitude "even for those who persecute you."

"For a year, it's been nothing but nasty editorials and name-calling," he said.

Hey Mel, I have a newsflash for you. You're not Christ and you're not persecuted. You're a rich movie star you whiny clown. 

The chairman of gun company Smith & Wesson has resigned after it was disclosed he'd spent 15 years in jail for armed robbery.

James Joseph Minder, 74, didn't disclose his past to the company when it elected him chairman in January because, he said, "Nobody asked".

Mr Minder spent 15 years in jail in the 1950s and 1960s for eight armed robberies and an attempted escape from prison. He was known for carrying a 16-gauge sawn-off shotgun.

Smith & Wesson markets itself as "a partner to law enforcement since the late-1800s", and supplies guns to hundreds of police departments. It's renowned for the Magnum handgun favoured by film cop Dirty Harry.
  Keef Beats The Odds

Ok, this little newsbit is pretty much a huge understatement, but a doctor has now given his official opinion that Keith Richards should have died years ago.

"He should have passed away at 52. I'm not sure how he does it but he defies all conventional wisdom. Eighty per cent of the factors that control how long you live are related to your lifestyle not genes." 

The "Right" Side of Punk

As of January 31, 2004, officially launches. The site has been created to educate, inform and increase the little known demographic of the Conservative Punk. This is not C-SPAN meets MTV; this site boasts conservatives from well-known artist Michale Graves of Gotham Road and former lead singer of the Misfits, to conservative talk show host and former rock jock Andrew Wilkow, to the average person on the street. This site has been created to counteract the multiple liberal punk sites on the web, which are run by only a small number of punk artists who are choosing to make up the minds of thousands of voters. 
  Bush Haiku

Thanks to Nuveeeeena! Add your own by clicking "comments" below!

Shame on Barbara Bush
Whelping such hatemonger pups
Kennebunkport bitch

Hey, George, Perry's gay
The guy you picked to govern
Texas, remember?

Votes for sale, call George
Give him money and your votes
Buy an amendment!

The Constitution
Venerated document
Bush wipes his ass with

Wasn't gonna wed
Now they say I can't do it
That makes me want to

How can Bush hate gays
When he gets such pleasure from
sodomizing us?

Attention, sane folks
Let's all vote, eliminate
Terrorist White House

“And now, direct from Ground Zero, heeeeeeere’s the president!”

Well, that’s not exactly how President Bush is likely to be introduced when he gives his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention on Sept. 3, but it might be something equally dramatic and theatrical.

According to sources privy to convention planners’ discussions, the 2004 GOP conclave at New York’s Madison Square Garden will be unlike any previous quadrennial gathering of either party. In fact, not all of the main events will be held at the Garden, sources involved in planning the Aug. 31-Sept. 2 convention said.

“The entire format and actual physical setup could be radically different,” one GOP insider commented. “They might not even have a podium, or maybe a rotating podium or even a stage that comes up from underground. It would be like a theater in the round, with off-site events that are part of the convention.”

-snip- “Now, we’ll go to the deck of the USS Intrepid as the U.S. Marine Corps Band plays the national anthem,” he said, pretending that he was playing the part of the convention chairman.

“Or, and this is a real possibility, we could see President Bush giving his acceptance speech at Ground Zero,” he added. “It’s clearly a venue they’re considering.” 
  Isn't It Funny?

And I don't mean funny haha. Isn't it funny how every time a Repuglican is caught with his hands in the cookie jar, and a Democrat calls him on it, he cries foul? What a bunch of whiners. Tom Delay says this over his being investigated (and hopefully prosecuted) for money laundering:

"The district attorney has a long history in being vindictive and partisan. He did it to (Republican U.S. Senator) Kay Bailey Hutchison and lost that case. He's done it to other people and only to get press and he doesn't even follow through and file charges,"

But Earle tells him to kiss it:

"Being called partisan and vindictive by Tom DeLay is like being called ugly by a frog," Earle said.
  I Don't Know...

Don't you think they're more likely to play the audio from a Bin Laden tape instead? Do you really think they're going to be playing "Give Peace A Chance"?

A British-based company is selling MP3 players which can be attached to an assault rifle.

The "AK-MP3" player is built into the ammunition clip of a Kalashnikov. It can be swapped with the real magazine carrying bullets and inserted into the weapon.

Former Russian rock star Andrey Koltakov, a partner in the dotcom company offering the AK-MP3 for sale, said: "This is our bit for world peace - hopefully, from now on many militants and terrorists will use their AK-47s to listen to music and audio books."
  Anyone? Anyone? Buehler?

Doonesbury comic strip is offering $10,000 to anyone who can show that Bush served in the Alabama National Guard. Why do I hear dripping noises and clocks ticking? 
  Morford On Mel

This isn't the first time Christ has been turned into a capitalistic venture (remember Christmas?), but merchandizing "Passion" is kind of icky.

Hilarious Mark Morford tells us:

"But nothing says "slightly masochistic Jesus fanatic" like adorning your fine self with a two-inch silver pewter crucifixion-nail pendant, hanging 'round your neck from a nice 24-inch leather chord." 
  A Bit Stern Don't Ya Think?

I'm no Howard Stern fan. But I'm also not the only person who thinks that after all his shenanigans and statements that broach good taste, the only time he's suspended is days after he comes out and tells his listeners why they shouldn't vote for Bush.

In case you didn't know, Clear Channel is waaaaaaay GOP. 
  Buh Bye

So Perle's resigned. He says it's because he doesn't want to affect the election. That's an honorable idea. However, if you weren't so friggin' CRAZY, you wouldn't have to worry about that, now would you? And of course, whenever they say they're resigning for a given reason, it's always something different anyway.

"We are now approaching a long presidential election campaign, in the course of which issues on which I have strong views will be widely discussed and debated," Perle wrote. "I would not wish those views to be attributed to you or the President at any time, and especially not during a presidential campaign."

  Well Serve Me Up Some Then!

The Bush administration's EPA says Mercury is not a pollutant. I'm assuming Bush will start having sides of mercury with his non-mad-cow-infected beef anyday now in order to promote it's safety. Then the fun will really start!!!

"Environmentalists also objected to the EPA's plan to undo the Clinton administration's listing of mercury as a "hazardous air pollutant." Removing that label would allow companies to buy and sell pollution rights with other plants."

  Don't Let The Door Hit You

Terry McAuliffe, who rose from Syracuse politics to lead the Democratic National Committee, will quit the chairmanship when his term expires next year.

"I'm going to leave here in February of '05, finish my term, and the legacy that I will get to leave this party is this is a party that is in the best technological and financial shape in the history of our party," McAuliffe said Wednesday.

"One four-year term is enough," McAuliffe added. "I've served my party. It's been spectacular. But . . . I'm gone. I have five little children and you know what? I miss ballgames."

Most Democratic chairs serve only one term. Exceptions include James A. Farley, 1932 to 1940, and John M. Bailey, 1961 to 1968. 
  Guess It's Gitmo For Teachers

Education Secretary Rod Paige calls the Teacher's union "Terrorists". Really. 
  Oh That's Just Great

Now the Pentagon tells Bush: climate change will destroy us

· Secret report warns of rioting and nuclear war

· Britain will be 'Siberian' in less than 20 years

· Threat to the world is greater than terrorism

But we can all rest easier knowing that the Bush Twins don't support their dad's view on the environment. 
  Carbondate's Dream Cabinet 
  Speaks For Itself

February 21, 2004

President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington DC 20500

Dear President Bush,

Over the last week, you and your campaign have initiated a widespread attack on my service in Vietnam, my decision to speak out to end that war, and my commitment to the defense of this nation. Just today, Saxby Chambliss-- a man elected to the US Senate on the back of one of the most despicable campaigns ever conducted against Max Cleland, a true American Hero-- was carrying this attack for you.

As you well know, Vietnam was a very difficult and painful period in our nation's history, and the struggle for our veterans continues. So, it has been hard to believe that you would choose to re-open these wounds for your personal political gain. But, that is what you have chosen to do.

I am fighting to become the presidential nominee of the Democratic Party. Even before Democrats make their choice, you’ve launched a campaign of attacks against me. I am determined to run a campaign on the great challenges facing this country-- from creating jobs, to solving our health care crisis to getting our nation's ballooning deficit under control. But I will not sit back and allow my patriotism to be challenged.

America deserves a better debate. If you want to debate the Vietnam era, and the impact of our experiences on our approaches to presidential leadership, I am prepared to do so.

This is not a debate to be distorted through your $100 million dollar campaign fund. This is a debate that should be conducted face to face.

Mr. President, I hope you will conduct a campaign worthy of this nation’s future.

John Kerry 
  Genetically Modified Food: We Put The Scary In The Dairy

"The GM maize that Tony Blair wants British farmers to grow will mostly be used to feed dairy cows. Sainsbury's can help stop GM in its tracks by turning its back on this GM milk. Sainsbury's shoppers have been clear on GM, they don't want to buy it and they don't want to see it on supermarket shelves. If Sainsbury's wants to live up to the claims it makes in its advertisements it should listen to its customers and stop selling GM milk. It's one thing to say you only sell quality products, but when those products fund the cultivation and import of huge amounts of harmful GM crops, it's time to make a change."

  Girl Scouts Are Baby Killers

Or so some idiots in Texas would like us to believe. (Texas, Texas, WHY is it always Texas!?!).

Atrios brings us the story here
  Words From The Frontlines

"Man, they can’t pay me enough to stay here. There’s not enough money in the world to make me stay a month longer." - Anonymous Specialist, 4th Infantry Division commenting on the $10,000 three year re-up bonus announced by the Pentagon.

"Wow, 130,000 troops on the ground, nearly 500 deaths and over a billion dollars a day, but they caught a guy living in a hole. Am I supposed to be dazzled?" - Anonymous Army Specialist

"If someone invaded Texas, we'd do the same thing." - Lieutenant Colonel Kim Keslung, 21st Combat Support hospital, Balad, Iraq.


Kano and two other predominantly Islamic Nigerian states have banned the polio vaccine since October. Islamic leaders there say the vaccine is part of a U.S. plot to kill off Nigeria's Muslims, by spreading the AIDS virus or agents that cause sterility.

State officials there say their lab tests have found estrogen and other female sex hormones in the polio vaccine - proof, they say, that the vaccines are contaminated.
  Laura Stands By Her Man

Laura tells us:

'I think it's a political, you know, witch hunt, actually, on the part of Democrats,' the first lady said in an interview with The Associated Press."

But the funniest part is when she says:

"I do think abstinence works. We know it works," she said. "It's 100 percent fail-safe."
  Recall! Recall!

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) - He repealed the car tax hike and revoked legislation allowing illegal immigrants to get driver's licenses, but most of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's first 100 days in office have produced little of the "action, action, action" he promised during the recall campaign.

California's budget problems, his focus since taking office Nov. 17, remain untamed and only part of the deficit would be closed if voters approve Proposition 57, the Republican governor's $15 billion bond measure that appears on the March ballot.

  Wonder If Bush Will Attend This Funeral?

Mr. Bush and his wife, Laura, followed a veterinarian's recommendation to put Spotty, as the longtime family pet was known, to sleep, said Allen Abney, a White House spokesman. 
  Yawn. Nader's Running. Again.

"It's his personal vanity because he has no movement. Nobody's backing him," New Mexico Democratic Gov. Bill Richardson said Sunday in advance of Nader's announcement.

"The Greens aren't backing him. His friends urge him not to do it. It's all about himself," Richardson told "Fox News Sunday."

"Now, Ralph's made some great contributions to consumer issues over the years, but clearly it's not going to help us," he said. "I don't think he'll have a sizable impact, but it's terrible if he goes ahead because it's about him. It's about his ego. It's about his vanity and not about a movement that supposedly he headed for many years very effectively."
  Hey, Don't ask! Don't Tell!

Seems like a clever way to avoid the upcoming draft:

Italian men have been pretending to be gay in a bid to avoid having to do compulsory military service.

Several arrests have already been made and one bogus "gay" has been taken into custody after admitting paying £2,000 for a certificate from a local doctor.

The doctor has been arrested as well as two other doctors suspected of supplying fake certificates and

both the fake gay and the GPs face large fines if convicted.


Rip out the table
we need room to move
in a life unstable
you're so easily amused
anywhere you hang
yourself is home
throw in a tape, fix the tone

The windows are dirty let's hope it rains
add another newspaper
something to do with my change
I see we're fighting again
In some fucking land
throw in another tape man

Someone take the wheel
and I don't know where we're going
anybody say what you feel
everybody's sad, but nobody's showing

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